Monday, December 17, 2012


so since friday...i have been a mess. on the inside.
adam and i have gone out of our way to protect our girls from any media frenzy.
the tragedy in Connecticut is too hard for adults to digest, i can't imagine having my own children have to face it.
it's been really hard to swallow this.  i wonder if it's because i'm older, because i'm a mother, because i'm a teacher.  i can feel the anxiety of being the parent of a child who is in the most horrific situation and wondering where they are.  i can feel the anxiety of the teacher, knowing that you would do anything to save anyone of those babes, your 'weekday family' as i call them, from any harm.  i can imagine the fear of the teachers huddling the kids in the closet or bathroom.  knowing you honestly step in front of anything to save one of them.
oh man. 
i have been wrestling with the stories all weekend, trying not to read or watch too much. 
then i feel selfish, i want to protect myself?
 from what?  from a story, where i can relate?  what about the families of those directly effected?  that's when i want to slap myself.
i wasn't quite ready for today-apparently.  i had several moms who's faces were heavy with anxiety drop children off.  they needed to know 'what they should say'...'should i talk to her about this?'....'how do we go on?'  i tried so hard not to cry.  i just smiled this weird, calm, smile and said...we must be strong, we must be strong for the kids...we are the barometer of the house...of the should be honest, but protective, and calm...i just kept kind of saying that... 
i got myself together after their departure.
 then i saw the custodian double, and triple check the large doors right outside my classroom, he pulled real hard, and met my eyes, giving me a half hearted smile.
 i just mouthed-thank you. 
my coworkers and i have been speaking about this since friday, and have said it over and over...we can't live in fear, we just can't...we would then shake our heads and say...'you're right...we can't..' and then the emotions would wash back over us...and the strongest one at the time would say it again...or 'it was an isolated incident...etc'.  but in reality.  it isn't helping one stomach ache to go away or one heart to stop beating so hard...
there are no words for a time like this.  not for people in missouri, not for people in indiana, not for people in canada, and certainly not for people in Connecticut.  'they' say things make you stronger...i don't know about this one....i just don't know. 

i do know that these words are helping...psalm 56:3...When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.
~chat soon!

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