honest.

if you know me.
you know i am honest.
i have something cooped up now for awhile.
and i gotta let it out.
adam moved the business out on september 30, 2011.
we talked all summer about the sacrifice it would be.
it would be a change in budgeting for a bit.  it would be a change in time spent away from home.
i understood. i nodded when i should.  i smiled.
and i meant it all.
we also spoke of the excitement of it.
the uncharted waters.  the new places it could take his company.
it has been 7 months and a little over a week.
let me be frank.
this has been the hardest thing i have done. ever.
and i know it has been the hardest thing adam has ever done.
i'm not saying this to whine or to ask for sympathy.
i am just saying it.
financially, we are stable, because adam is nothing if he isn't frugal, budget minded, and down right anal retentive.  but it has been a strain.  (2 root canals in 3 days hasn't helped).
we are fine.  i'm not hinting that we are destitute, or having to eat spam and mustard sandwiches (as kate told our dear bobbie (angel babysitter) this week.) but we have had to say no to things (like vacation.) and look at things with a critical eye.
we go to several social occasions, networking events where people (mainly wives) will very eagerly say...."aren't you THRILLED to have adam out of the house?"
and i smile, and nod and say, yes....it's nice.
and inside i say this....
NO. I MISS HIM.  I MISS THE FACT THAT HE ISN"T HOME WHEN WE COME HOME (most nights) I MISS THE FACT THAT WE HAVE TO BE ORGANIZED ABOUT DINNER AND HAVE IT TAKEN OUT TO DEFROST THE NIGHT BEFORE. I MISS THE FACT THAT IF I RUN OUT OF INSULIN IN MY PUMP HE CAN'T BRING IT TO ME AT WORK BECAUASE IT'S A SEVEN MINUTE DRIVE FROM HOME....I MISS THE FACT THAT HE/WE DIDN'T HAVE A RENT CHECK AND UTILITY CHECK TO PAY EACH MONTH...I MISS THE FACT THAT IF I LEFT MY CURLING IRON ON I CAN CALL AND SAY CAN YOU CHECK THAT...INSTEAD OF HOPING MY NEIGHBORS DON'T TEXT ME AND SAY...WERE YOU EXPECTING A FIRE TRUCK OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE TODAY?????? I MISS THE FACT THAT IF HE 'WORKS LATE' HE ISN'T IN THE BASEMENT....HE IS NOT HERE. 
some may read that and say. LORDY IS SHE A SNOT.
i don't mean to sound that way....but honestly, i was NOT aware of the change it would be on our life.
it's a good change.  things are getting into a rhythm.  i carry my insulin with me, i unplug the curling iron every morning so i know it won't burn the house down.  adam worries about eating, so he takes care of taking the meat out of the freezer...its just different.  
am i thankful that we were able to engage in this outstanding opportunity, especially in this economy?  am i thankful that the company is selling their tail feathers off?  certainly.  am i thankful that God has held our hand through this.  TOTALLY.
but sometimes, it just feels good to be honest.
so there you have it.
it's been tough.  and if you have had any ounce of us in the last 7 months and a little over a week since the actual business left our home.  i thank you.  i thank you so much.  if you picked up our  children, listened to me, listened to adam, celebrated with us, worried with us, watched us, prayed for us....we couldn't have done it without you.  and i mean that. honest.